At some point, most people reach a stage in their life when they have no desire to be in a relationship. You may have gone through a divorce or a nasty breakup. You may have lost a partner you loved to illness or an accident. Or you might just be tired of trying to meet “the one.”
Whatever your reason for reading this, you have probably taken a break from being in a relationship. It may be a permanent break or a long-term break or just a brief break until you figure out what really matters for you.
One of the first things you will find out when you’ve committed to staying unpartnered for a period of time is that it is not easy.
The world seems to be set up for couples. When you get invited to a wedding or another major social event, a plus one is usually included in your invitation. If it is an occasion where there is assigned seating, couples usually get seated together. Singles get seated at that table in the back and half of the time the other singles are older people (that widower that hits on everyone) or introverts that don’t really want to be there in the first place.
So, how can you love and flourish in your new unpartnered lifestyle?
#1 Seek out other unpartnered people
It might seem like everyone is coupled, but you can meet other unpartnered people. Even in smaller communities there are people who are taking a break from relationships or simply not interested in being part of the whole couples tribes that stand out. Make a conscious effort to build your tribe.
Try not to put age limitations on your friendships. One of my best friends is 29 years younger than me. She’s chosen not to be in a relationship at this time, too. Sure, there are some differences between us, but we understand each other and that makes it easy for us to be friends.
#2 Learn to love being alone
Being alone gets easier with practice, but for those who are not used to spending time with only themselves, it can be hard at first. The trick is to figure out what you love doing that other people might not so much and then do that. A lot.
If you love nature, don’t be afraid to go on a hike by yourself. In fact, anything involving nature is often more enjoyable when you do it alone. There’s no chatter, you can go at your own speed, and it is incredibly relaxing.
There are many other things you can do without the company of other people. Start a renovation project. Train your dog. Dance like a crazy person in the middle of your living room. Practice your singing (there’s no one around to tell you you suck!). Read a book. Go for a drive and discover something new in the community you live in. The options are endless.
The more you do things alone (even things that you once thought of as social activities like going to movies or out to eat), the more comfortable you get at doing them. Think of it as self-dating.
#3 Get in touch with yourself
How much time to you spend talking to yourself? Probably not much. Talking to yourself is not something that is encouraged in society. People think you are a little crazy.
When you live by yourself and you don’t have people around all the time, you can totally do that though. Why talk out loud to yourself? Why not just think the words? Expressing yourself in words, out loud, makes you hear it differently. If you say, “I love being alone,” in your head the thought is there and gone before you know it. We think faster than we talk.
When you talk out loud, it forces you to slow down and hear the words. They become more real. They seem to matter more. And you might let out a barrage of words that lead to more in-depth thoughts that help you figure out how you really feel about things.
Another way to force yourself to slow down and really think about how you feel or what matters to you is by writing it down. Keeping a journal is a great way to get more in touch with yourself. As you write, you see the words on the page. You can also go back to read them later and discover what they mean to you.
#4 Create a space you love
When you live with someone, you have to take their ideas into consideration when you a building a place to live in. When you live alone, you can create and re-create that space as often as you like. You can paint the walls a unique color every week if you want to. You can be crazy or be childish. Always wanted a Sponge Bob inspired room? Go for it — it’s your space and you don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself. It’s your space, after all!
Pick a room that you spend a lot of time in and turn it into a space that is designed purely for your pleasure.
#5 Re-discover something you loved as a kid
What was your favorite thing to do when you were a child or a younger teenager? Is it something you stopped doing because it wasn’t acceptable for your age? Is it something that you just got too busy for? Whatever it is, see if you still enjoy doing it as much as you did when you were young.
It could be collecting Pokemon cards or comic books. Maybe you loved to jump rope or hoolahoop. Perhaps you went on lengthy bike rides with your dog or created works of art.
Whatever it is, chances are if you start up with it again you’ll re-discover your love of it. And the best thing is, there’s no one to tell you you’re too old for that or that it is a waste of time.
#6 Learn to say no
This might be the most important one. Too often we say yes because we think that’s what is expected of us or because we feel obliged. Start saying no. Make yourself a priority. Make your needs important. Don’t cross your own boundaries.
#7 Say yes, too
This may sound contradictory, but it is important to say yes sometimes. Just be a little choosier about who you say yes to and why you are saying yes. Say yes when someone you love need you, because it is important to be there for people in your tribe. Say yes sometime because it helps you build relationships with people you love. Say yes because you want to.
Being unpartnered takes time to get used to. That doesn’t mean you need to be lonely. You’ll spend time with other people sometimes. But you’ll also spend time alone, and you’ll grow to love it because when you are solo you learn to love yourself.
Learning to love yourself when you are unpartnered means that when and if the time comes to be in a relationship again, you’ll have that much more to give. You’ll be able to communicate your needs. You’ll have a stronger relationship.
